The manuscript of my latest novel is almost ready for submitting to agents and publishers. I was in the same position two years ago and it took ten months to secure a deal. I’m going to use the same approach as before. I’ve compiled a list of where to send the manuscript and will work through it by sending out submissions in batches. In the last few weeks, I’ve been polishing the opening chapters and was keen to look back to see how the first paragraph had changed during the latest revisions. The essence remains the same but little tweaks have meant the writing is tighter. Here are the paragraphs for you to compare:
July 2023, Slingback Resort
Moonlight slid through the full-length windows and illuminated the trail of their abandoned clothes across the hotel bedroom floor. Night came early in the southern hemisphere and Ashley anticipated the rest of their evening. She wanted to enjoy drinks on the terrace but it wasn’t the right time to suggest the idea. Instead, she straightened the pillow in its white cotton case and rested against it. The air conditioning pumped cool waves across their naked bodies and she longed to share the warmth emanating from James’s skin. Inhaling the briny smell of sex and sweat, Ashley moved closer and placed her head into the nook between his chin and shoulder. A sigh made her slump closer.
November 2023, Three Couples
Moonlight slunk into the hotel room and Ashley noticed how it illuminated the trail of abandoned clothes across the marble floor. James had cracked her open like a nut. She stretched on top of rucked cotton sheets until a tap on her shoulder registered. His index finger commanded that she tuck her head into the nook between his shoulder and chin. She settled into place there, and found the musky smell of him soothing. James sighed as the tension he carried evaporated. It was the same for her. She enjoyed a momentary sense of relaxation but then heat from his body pulsed and she was glad of cool bursts from the air conditioning unit.
January 2024, The Upgrade
Moonlight crept into the resort room and illuminated the trail of their abandoned clothes across the marble floor. Sex had opened and released Ashley. She stretched on the creased cotton sheets until there came a tap on her arm. It was an invitation to tuck her head into the nook between James’s shoulder and chin. She found the musky smell of him soothing but his body heat pulsed and she was glad of cool bursts from the air conditioning unit.
You’ll notice the title has changed three times but there are smaller differences too, such as the first verb which has changed from slid, to slunk and then to crept. The most recent paragraph sticks more closely to Ashley’s viewpoint and condenses some of the earlier ideas. Now I’m looking at this in detail, it occurs to me there are too many body parts mentioned: an arm, a shoulder and a chin. Oh dear! Does this mean yet another draft? What do you think of my attempts to improve the opening?
the writer is a lonely hunter 
Hi Gail. It’s very interesting to see how this paragraph has evolved. Thank you for sharing! Each paragraph contains strong elements (in my opinion). Keeping Ashley’s viewpoint is important which is what you’re doing. It’s a sensual scene and you’re doing good job expressing that. I personally like the ‘moonlight crept’ because it helps set a provocative mood. Anyway, congratulations on getting the manuscript ready to send out! Best of luck to you, my friend 🙂
Thanks for your feedback, Jim.
I liked November 2023. Opened her like a nut is great. Congratulations on finishing this MS. I’m pleased to hear you are sending it out. Good luck.
My writing group thought ‘opened her like a nut’ was a bit saucy!
It is now you mention it but I didn’t read it like that 🙂
I didn’t intend it like that either!